Monday, August 10, 2009
Anxiety
Ok so I got this phone call on Saturday morning that was really brief, from Kyle. He said he was most likely coming home because it was too brutal for him. He said he was meeting with a guy and the guy wanted to know how much help I was getting. So Kyle was phoning me to ask me how often I saw his mom and Katie. I was confused. I was like "Is that going to make a difference in whether or not you're coming home?" "no" He really didn't explain much to me. I told him, and then I asked when i was going to hear from him and he said he'd phone me later that day. So of course, I kept the phone at my side all day, and every time it rang, I was all "Is it Kyle? Is it Kyle???" and my heart would beat a little faster. Nope didn't hear from him. So then I thought "I'll at least hear from him on Sunday, because he said he'd be able to call me on Sunday most likely." So once again I made sure my phone was continually by my side and I kept checking it to make sure I didn't miss any calls. I felt like a teenager again, waiting to see of the boy I liked was going to call me. Urrrgh. Nothing. Then last night I had these weird dreams and stuff. Like that I faked being a reservist to get in under cover at the base, and I finally found Evan who acted all weird and mysterious when I asked him where Kyle was. We were'nt allowed to act like we knew eachother... there's more to the dream, but anyways. It has just taken over my life. I feel anxious not knowing what is going on. I just want to know, is he staying or coming home??? Is that too much to ask? sigh. I'm so dramatic. So I got up and waited a while this morning and then I picked up my phone and scrolled through the numbers that called recently and found the one Kyle called from. I called it. I didn't really know who was going to answer or what exactly I was going to say. This guy with a british accent answered. I told him my husband had called me from that # on Saturday and he asked my name and was all "oh yeah. I bet you want to know his news" uuuuh yes!!! He was like "I'm just visiting a soldier at the hospital who isn't doing too well. I'll be back at the base in an hour, and I'll have Kyle call you, does that sound ok?" I agreed. So I waited. A long time. Longer than an hour. That phone call took place at around 8:45. It was driving me nuts!! I just wanted to know what was going on! Kyle FINALLY called at 2:30. Right smack dab in the middle of my nap which was ok because it was him. He is coming home for sure. It's all a matter of when. Like there's paper work and blah blah blah. He's hoping tomorrow, which is his birthday. I expressed how hard it is not knowing when I'll hear from him, I know it isn't his fault though. He said he's done, he doesn't want to do it, it's not worth it to him. I'm totally ok with that because I hated having him gone. Really, this last week was like an eternity to me. I couldn't believe I still had three more to go. However, I think that this needed to happen, because it taught me things about myself. It changed the way I see Kyle, and how I take him and they way he loves me for granted. I feel like it has made our marriage stronger (as hard things tend to do) and maybe I needed this awakening in order to be ready to deal with the hard times ahead, because I know they are coming with his starting school on top of everything else. I feel better prepared to support him and take good care of him and our children. I know it's a weird way for that to happen, but it did. so that's my Kyle anxiety story. Yay!! He's coming home!!!
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Sarahstottle posted @ 12:01 PM
Thursday, August 06, 2009
turns out chocolate milk isn't that thirst quenching. I don't drink it all that often, but I decided to treat myself. I've been treating myself to quite a few things since Kyle left. It's my way of comforting my loneliness. That's bad. (to be said the same way cinderella says to Bruno when he admits to dreaming of catching Lucifer. If you are unaware of how she says it, it's rather abrupt.) So you think you can dance finale tonight. I really want Kayla to win, but I know she won't. She's such a beautiful girl, and a beautiful dancer. No one probably knows what I'm talking about, because I don't know if any of you who read this watch it. Doesn't mean I can't say it though ok? Anynips, I was just planning to blip on here and I've blipped, so off I go.
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Sarahstottle posted @ 3:15 PM
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
I miss Kyle!!!!!!!!!!!
This is how my night went last night.
I was ready for bed at 10, and I was just writing in my journals when there was a soft knock at my door. It freaked me out a bit, but I got up an put my housecoat on. It was Rachel. She's one of my visiting teachers. She was dropping off a little gift for me. We ended up talking for a long time. So by the time I got into bed it was more like 11.
Sloan woke up at 12:30
Adriel woke up at 2:30, wanting to go pee, and somehow covered in pee even though he was wearing his pull up. So I had to redress him. All the while Sloan was awake and stirring.
I fed Sloan.'
He woke up again at 3:30
Brought him into my bed.
Heard my phone ringing at 4- WHAT the HECK?!?!!!! yesterday I had to take my phone in because it was a little broken and I was given a loner phone while they send my phone away to be fixed. So my question is, WHY was the alarm set for 4am???! And it wasn't the kind of ring that just goes off once. It keeps going and going and going until you turn it off. So I had to get up and turn it off. Seriously, I bet the people at rogers set the loner phones like that on purpose just to bug people. What phone sets its own alarm for 4? Someone must have done it.
And THEN Adriel made his way into my room right at 6 on the dot. I'm tired!!!
I don't think I can do this for a whole month!!! I miss Kyle, and speaking of him, I've heard nothing from him since he left. I mean I think it's a little unreasonable for them to not let you contact your wife and family while you're going to be away from them for so long. It's rediculous. I don't want a measly once a week phone call. I want one every day. He's my husband. It's my right. I'm mad at them for taking him away from me for a whole month on my birthday and then not even letting him call me.
Speaking of my birthday, I had a nice time at the beach with Katie and Brent. They got me a cake, and then Katie, Kim (her sister in law) and I went to see the proposal. It was funny and good. It made me feel better to have something to laugh at, and coming home wasn't quite as lonely somehow. However, Katie was the only one to phone me on my birthday from our family. I don't get it- usually I get a few calls from people, but this year, on my lonliest birthday of all, out of my eleven siblings one person called. I was really hoping to hear from Kyle but of course, that didn't happen.
Well Sloan just woke up. I'm out. Sorry for the melancholy.
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Sarahstottle posted @ 7:09 AM
Monday, August 03, 2009
It's my birthday and I just want to curl up into a ball and stay there for a long time. Kyle left for basic training this morning for the whole month of August. It was really hard for me to say good-bye to him (I know a month isn't that long, but I have two kids and I'm a wimp). Now I have this really sad feeling in my stomach that wont go away. Basically by his leaving he took my birthday away. That should mean that I get to stay 25 for another year. This year shouldn't count. I look around my house at the work that needs to be done, and the last things that Kyle left out, or the evidence that we did something fun and I'm filled with dread and lonliness. Sorry to sound so pitiful.
Luckily Katie and Brent are distracting me later today. I'm joining them and the Schofield family at the beach...
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Sarahstottle posted @ 12:05 PM