|Once upon a time there was a man and his name was les shwabb|
Les Shwabb liked to lick frozen metal poles
There was a satisfaction that came with ripping his tongue off and seeing his taste buds still attached to the metal.
"Time to start fresh!", he'd exclaim bursting with excitement and swishing the blood in his mouth vigorously
On this particularly cold winters day he managed to do it to the star at the top of the Christmas tree that was in the middle of town square when no one was looking.
As he was ripping his tongue from the star, filled with pride that HIS tongue would be on the tree, he lost his balance and began to fall from his perch
He had been so caught up in his feelings of pride that he hadn't noticed that the tree was bending and swaying under his weight
He grasped wildly at the evergreen boughs but they slid easily from his grasp
As he landed the wind was knocked out of him forcing a loud guttural grunt to shoot out of his clenched body
"You shouldn't fart in public", the voice was tiny, squeaky and annoyingly judgemental.
"It wasn't a fart!" He growled breathing heavily from his fall, causing his mustache hair to float upwards about his face
"Sounded like one to me." Squeaked the voice
Since he was so tired from the fall he couldn't be bothered to turn and face the voice so he just lifted his leg and kicked in the general direction that it was coming from with a jerky thrust
Unfortunately, the movement released a foul rotten eggnog smelling fart that he had been suppressing for some time.
It also resulted in knocking over a innocent by stander who had just stopped to admire the Christmas tree when she noticed something strange about the star...
The bystander found herself sharply poked in the ribs,"you shouldn't fart. It's Christmas." accused the voice
She opened her mouth to respond and out fell a hard boiled egg.
Les Shwabb took his opportunity and ate it without permission
After having his taste buds freshly ripped off it tasted de-lishus!
Unfortunately it didn't help the smells already lurking around the christmas tree and the tiny elf who prided himself on fresh piney christmas tree upkeep, had had enough.
"LES SHWABB!!!" His tiny voice bellowed at the top of his lungs
"YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!!"
Les Shwabb was too enveloped in his own eggyness to notice
This enfuriated the elf even more.
It was then that he noticed something was off putting about the star on the town tree.
His narrowed angry eyes flicked from the star to Les Shwab and back again as the truth slowly dawned on him
Were... Those...TASTEBUDS!?!? On the STAR?!!!!!!!
meanwhile Les Shwab was making googly eyes at the egg laying passerby, serenely unaware of what was about to happen
He licked his lips with his "fresh" tongue and straightened out his mustache
"My you DO lay a tasty egg my dear", he began, with what he hoped was enough to make a lady swoon--it certainly worked on his mother.
Sometimes she was proud of her egg laying. Other times she was shy about it.
So she slapped him
The sting from the slap vibrated right through his tongue with a zing
"I love you!", he shuddered.
Out popped another egg. She hated it when they popped out just as she was about to speak.
They both dove for it at the same time.
But before either of them could grab it the elf snatched it up
"Curse you both and your blasted egginess!", he roared, which might have been scary if it wasn't unbearably cute to both of them.
And he shoved it down his shirt and patted it in place with satisfaction
"Awwwwww! So cwute!" cooed the girl. "What a funny wittle fella!"
Les Schwabb noticed a bell on the tip of his elf hat and felt his tongue surge with desire
He could barely contain himself, "hey listen babe," he began, his trembling hand reaching for the outraged elf, "let's keep him! I've got tons of room in my freezer for the little guy...", his voice trailed off.
She was smitten the moment she saw him stuff her egg down his shirt. She giggled with delight and just as another egg was about to come out- les shwabb put his mouth on hers and found a new favourite thing
Unfortunately it was too much for the elf and he blew up into a shower of icy sparkles. "So romantic" murmured the girl as Les Shwab nibbled on her egg lovingly
And that was the Christmas that les shwabb and his egg lady started their Christmas tradition of egg nibble-kissing
Sometimes they would freeze the eggs as a special treat for Les Shwab